how I met your mother season 3- part 11

Purgatory to confrontation.
Is it what we are going through?

تفکر با عمق زیاد و زمان کوتاه

فکر کنم این یه روند درونی بوده، وقتی آدم تو یه شرایط به گا باشه، ذهن آدم نا خود آگاه تلاش می کنه یه راه حل براش پیدا کنه.

برای منی که همیشه درگیری ذهنی دارم با یه چیزی و همیشه فکرم مشغوله و خیلی می رم تو عمق داستان، تو دوره هایی که به گا بودم این خیلی زجر آور بوده( هرچند که نتایج بسیار عالی داشته برام). 

در نظربگیرین که دارین دنبال دلیل می گردین،  همین جوری که دارین زجر می کشین از سرتاسر کائنات گرفته تا کوچکترین فکر و رفتار خودتون رو تجزیه تحلیل می کنین و به جوابی نمی رسین وباز زجر می کشین، واین حلقه ادامه پیدا می کنه تا گم می شین تو خودتون. به خودت که بیای می بینی، یه ماه، سه ماه، شش ماه گذشته و اصلن از حال خودت  و دنیای اطرافت خبر نداری.

روندی که تو من اتفاق افتاده اینجوری بوده که این زمانه هی کم شده، راجب یه چیزی سریع به نتیجه نمی رسم، عمیق می شم توش، ولی برای زمان کوتاه، و تعداد زیاد. اینجوری نه خیلی داغون می شم، نه از زندگی عادیم دور می شم. جمع این تعداد های زیاد و کوتاه عمیق شدن می شه یه نتیجه که گاهی خودم هم روند رسیدن بهش یادم نیست.

نتیجه اینکه کلن قابلیت فکر کردن عمیق و طولانی رو از دست دادم. می شینم پای درسا، عمیق می شم، ولی ذهنم بعد از یه مدت کوتاه میندازتم بیرون، باید پا شم، برم یه دوری بزنم، بعد بیام بشینم و دوباره سعی کنم که تمرکز کنم.

برای خودم ولی، زمان توی این عمق معنی نداره، وقتی عمیق می شم، وقتی قرق می شم و بعدش میافتم بیرون، نمی دونم چه قد گذشته، حس می کنم یکی دو ساعت گذشته، حس می کنم سیگار لازم داره مغزم، روشنش می کنم، از سوختن گلوم حس می کنم نباید زمان زیادی از سیگار قبلیم گذشته باشه. به ساعت نگاه می کنم. ده دقیقه گذشته فقط.

...

باید این رو برطرف کنم به خاطر درس ها، ولی می ترسم برم تو خودم و بر نگردم.

Reconciliation

I'm better now, I'm finding myself. my financial problem is solving finally, I have my room now, I got a bed, and finally a studying table and chair. it is getting like home, a place to live.I'm getting used to it.getting used to everything.
this is good, stress is going away, I get emerged deep into my studying, relax.
I'm reconciling with myself again.

whispering VS shoutting

You know, it is like confession and I'm really scared of this, I'm seeing everything is getting fucked up gradually and it scares me. it means we are going to an end, I don't know why I'm so scared of that this time.

You said something is whispering in your ears: this guy is too linked to your past, keep away from him.

I still don’t have ball to tell it to you, but when I wanted to get out of that fucking country, I had something like this, it was telling me you are going to a new world, new age, so get rid of all the past, all the shit that you have been forced to stand, forget all, included you( I dont mean that you were shit, but you were somewhere in my past, between all those shits), and it was not whispering, it was shoutting and it is still.

I have told you the alone guy story and to some of my friends. I do not believe in fate, but I can  see many repeating pattern in my life that I don’t know when they come from. One of them is, I always have been somewhere, I don’t know why and how, and there, someone needed my help. I have helped eagerly, it is biggest joy of my life. But I learnt it, when it is done, I must go.

 There is always though moments in the life, learnt that I can’t expect anyone to come and help me there. But at first I expected at least people that I have helped come and help me. It took time for me to learn that there is no expectation.

Then I learnt that how easy people forget others, they always say you will be in my life forever, you have done great for me that no one else has done, they say we are friends forever, but soon they forget, sooner that you think.

There are some moments that they remember you, in their next problem, even a simple one, and they expect you to help them and if you don’t they get angry on you.

Because of all of these, and many other reasons and examples, I learnt that I must go then, I must not stop. At first experiences, I tried to go, but I stayed once in a while and look back if anyone call me up, but the answer was no, they are happy with new life and you must go your way alone.

And you know what is the worst? getting involved with one of them, because you can’t leave. You will be trapped between going and staying for yourself, for your emotion, for your feeling.

You see, I have done the worst, and now something inside me is blaming me hard, partly because I stayed, mostly because I knew the rule, I knew myself and I knew the result, but I stayed. It is fucking me inside.

I’m sure you can’t see all of this, even though I mentioned them sometimes.

honesty

You know what it is like? I mean our being honest and frank to each other.
 Like we stay face to face, and throw shit on each other's faces!
when and where and how is it gonna be stopped?
Sometimes I think isn't it better to stay away from each other and not to fuck up everything?

did u think of me?

I have thought about it, I have simulated it my mind, you and me,I have masturbated with it, not once.
how about you?

I'm listening it these days, 24 hours.